Like in all relationships, married couples also face many ups and downs in their life. Once in a while, you will be forced to have difficult conversations with your partner that may upset either or both of you. These conversations may be stressful, frustrating, and hurtful and often lead to flooding. One thing may lead to another and before you know you will be arguing about things that happened years ago.
Think about the last time you had a difficult conversation with your spouse. How did it end? Did you end up blowing it out of proportion or maintained control over your words and feelings? Or did you leave in the middle of the conversation? In this blog, we will learn how marriage coaching can help you prepare for such conversations and situations without flooding.
Why are some topics difficult to talk about?
Difficult conversations are anything that you don’t feel comfortable discussing with your partner. However, when you are emotionally invested in the topic much more than your better half, it can lead to ‘flooding’.
Flooding is a situation where you lose control of your words and emotions while holding a tough conversation. When flooded, people feel overwhelmed, stressed, and experience an increased heart rate. You will be in a state of mind that reduces your capacity to hear and understand the other person and lead you to do or say something truly regrettable.
Flooding eventually leads to stonewalling, where you set up your defenses and emotionally withdraws from the conversation. When you stonewall, it puts your partner in distress as there is no point trying to talk to someone who is completely unwilling to listen. This is not a healthy way to end a difficult conversation or set boundaries to it. Stonewalling communicates strong disagreement and indifference.
So how can you hold a difficult conversation with your spouse without flooding and stonewalling? Let us find out-
Healthy conversational boundaries in marriage
Dealing with sensitive topics without getting uncomfortable comes with practice. One such way to cope with a difficult conversation is by learning to self-soothe. Self-soothing techniques help you gain control of your senses and keep you centered.
Start by taking deep breaths. Focus on the way you draw in air and let it out. If you want a change of scene, excuse yourself for a few minutes and go to another room. Drink some water or sip and taste some tea. Sit down and take a good look at your surroundings and observe everything around you. Meanwhile, stop thinking about the conversation and the arguments you held earlier. Take at least 20 minutes to calm yourself down and bring your focus to the problem at hand.
Once you are relaxed, acknowledge your feelings and accept them. Acceptance of one’s own feelings helps you open up and understand your partner’s perspective. Learning to accept the situation reduces the stress you experienced after starting the conversation. While you can still have your own beliefs and opinions, accepting the feelings of both parties in the conversation will help you take it forward, sans the distress. Once you are ready, restart the conversation with your partner; this time, without flooding or getting defensive.
Once you cope with your emotional turmoil during a difficult conversation, the next step is to establish healthy boundaries. Start by letting your partner know that if they are being disrespectful towards you, you’ll end the conversation. Ask them to take a minute to hear you out without interrupting. Let them know that the conversation drains you and you don’t feel obliged to listen to personal attacks. Once they are ready to respond in kind, take the conversation forward.
Setting conversational boundaries is all about letting the other person know what your limits are and standing strong by them. Be kind to yourself and your partner during a difficult conversation to keep it stable and not drive it to the ground with arguments.
Final words
Marriage involves a lot of give-and-take. Practice self-soothing and acceptance every day.
Most of the time, being a good listener and setting healthy boundaries to conversations help you navigate the unpleasant conversation.
If you and your spouse are facing difficulty in communicating effectively and end up flooding or stonewalling each other every time, marriage coaching can help find a solution. Our in-house coach Roh Hafez’s extensive professional experience and empathetic approach, can empower your relationship and guide you towards better marital life. Reach out to our wellness center today to know more.
